Black & Blue
by misaditas
Summary: 9th Doctor & Rose. It had been weeks since they'd faced the Dalek and they still hadn't talked about it.
1. Shatter In the Blink of an Eye

The sun set in a kaleidoscope of reds and yellows. Rose stood next to the Doctor, her hand in his as they watched the sunset. It was a peaceful end to what had been a peaceful day. On reflection Rose liked having time out from the whole saving the universe thing.

She looked at the Doctor. His face was bland but his eyes were dark and she knew he wasn't seeing the wonder in front of him. She hated seeing him like that, so she squeezed his hand.

"It's so pretty," she gushed, hoping to break his mood.

There was a low laugh. "Yes I guess so."

"I've had fun today," Rose continued. "Nice to have a change of pace."

"Like I said; nowt on this planet that's gonna eat us or shoot at us or anything like that. S'not even any poisonous plants."

Rose flushed. "Okay, you can drop that any time you like."

The Doctor laughed. "It was funny."

"Yeah, hysterical," Rose said dryly. "I love itching like anything. And all over my stomach."

"I never knew you were ticklish there."

The blush deepened. The plant in question had left her with a rash down both arms and over her stomach. It had itched abominably and the Doctor had had to rub cream onto the inflamed skin to stop Rose scratching herself raw. Only in doing so he'd discovered she was ticklish. Very ticklish. And had tormented her until she was clinging to him breathlessly. They had stared at each other, then the Doctor had say something stupid that had broken the mood.

That was always happening, Rose thought to herself as she watched the sun slide a little further down. They would mess about, often flirting like idiots. Then it would start getting serious and the Doctor would change mood. It had been weeks since they'd faced the Dalek and they still hadn't talked about it. The sexual tension between them was stifling at times.

Rose looked at the Doctor again, her eyes on his lips. He had nice lips. She wondered if he was a good kisser. She grinned in the growing darkness. There was really only one way to find out...

The Doctor froze as Rose kissed him. He had no idea where that had come from, but... her lips were warm and soft and he could smell the scent of her hair. For a moment he lost himself, closing his eyes and responding to her kiss. Then he realised he was kissing Rose. He pushed her back.

"What on earth are you doing?" he asked her.

"Kissing you," Rose answered somewhat defensively. "And you were kissing me back."

"Don't be daft." He was dismissive.

"I am not! You were!"

"I was not. Not on purpose anyway."

"Not on purpose? Why what's the matter with me?"

The Doctor sighed. "You're _human_ Rose."

"Yes? And?"

"And I'm not. I might look it, but I'm not."

"So what? We're not... compatible or sommat?"

"We're... look it doesn't matter. I'm not human and I'm nine hundred years old. You're... different."

"Different?"

"Yeah."

"Too different?" Her voice was small.

"Yeah."

"Oh." There was a pause. "You know this isn't half as nice as I thought. And it's cold. I'm going in."

He watched her go and sighed. It was only a kiss, a part of him thought. Then he acknowledged that 'only kisses' often led to other things where humans were concerned. He did care for Rose, probably more than he should do. But it was because of that care he had to do this; he couldn't allow her to get involved with him. She'd only get hurt. One way or another.

Inside the TARDIS, Rose sat on her bed and cried softly. Any hope she had for something more in her relationship with the Doctor had just gone to smash. It was only now she realised just how much in love with him she was. He was everything to her and he'd just told her it was pointless.

Rose felt lost and alone, for the first time ever since she'd left home. Before when anything was wrong - when the world had ended and all hell had broken loose - he'd been there, right by her side, holding her hand. This time she was on her own and she was scared of how alone she felt. Her world had just crumbled.

Would he take her hand again or would he be afraid she'd read something into it?

Everything had changed. He would act the same around her now; she'd ruined it all. There was nothing else for it but to go home and lick her wounds. Release him from the burden of looking after her and not getting too close.

Rose stood and washed her face. She brushed herself down and went to the control room. The Doctor had come in and was tinkering – a sure sign he was uncomfortable with the situation.

"You know, I'd rather not be in the way," Rose told him quietly. "I guess if I'm too different I probably am. I don't want you worrying about me any more. Take me home."

The Doctor stared at her. "Are you sure?"

Rose nodded, not trusting her voice.

"Oh," he sounded disappointed. "Well. I did promise." He gave her a tight smile. "Ten seconds," he said and spun the control.

The TARDIS shuddered and shook and Rose grabbed a hold of a support to keep herself upright. When the world returned to normal, she crossed the room and looked out. Her mother stood there, shock on her face.

"One minute, okay?" Rose asked her. Her mother nodded dumbly.

Rose looked at the Doctor. He watched her but said nothing. She ran down the corridor and into her room. The tears were falling again. She had hoped he'd argue – wanted him to argue. Not to meekly take her home. She picked up her bag. _Too different._

She entered the control room and looked at the Doctor, her heart in her eyes. His jaw tightened, but otherwise his expression was neutral.

"Thanks," she managed. "For everything. I'm sorry..." the tears ran down her face. "You... take care okay? Since I'm not here to pull your ass out..."

She dropped the bag and ran to him, throwing her arms around him. He stood stock still, his eyes closed against the pain of what he was doing, but she didn't see that. She planted a brief kiss on his cheek. Then she went to her bag and picked it up.

And left without another word.


	2. A Little Too Late

Rose watched the TARDIS fade from sight. Her tears had stopped, replaced by a numb feeling that made her limbs heavy. Her heart was a cold stone in her chest.

"Oh Rose! I'm so glad you're home," Jackie gushed to her daughter. "I was so worried. It's not safe."

"Well you don't need to worry now Mum," Rose said, her voice flat. "I'm home and that's it."

"He isn't coming back?"

"No."

"Oh Rose. Are you okay hunny?"

"No. And I doubt I'll ever be 'okay' again."

"You'll be just fine," her mum assured. "Come on, come on home sweetie. I'll put the kettle on and we can have hot chocolate and watch telly."

* * *

Rose sat in her bedroom. The numbness filled her utterly. She hadn't eaten dinner; she'd simply not felt like it. She knew her mother was worrying about her, but she didn't care. She didn't care if she never ate again. It was too much effort.

Standing, she unzipped her bag and began sorting through her clothes. She threw those that needed washing onto the floor. As she dug down she felt something cold and hard. She pulled out a key. Her key to the TARDIS. She'd forgotten to give it back. Clutching it, she threw herself onto the bed and cried herself to sleep.

* * *

A thousand miles and more away, the Doctor sat on the ground. The planet was nothing but dust and rock, but it had been so much more once. His thoughts were as gloomy as his surroundings. Rose had gone; not that he was surprised – not after what he'd done. He really regretted hurting her to that degree, but he was fairly sure she'd get over it. He wasn't as sure about himself though.

He missed her. The TARDIS seemed empty without her. His life was empty without her curious questions, without the bright eyes that took everything in. Without that smile she reserved especially for him.

It had only been a few days, but nothing was the same. The universe carried on and still needed saving from itself. He still went and got himself into ridiculous situations. But when he ran now, he ran alone.

His hands were always empty.

* * *

For Rose, weeks had passed. The disconnected feeling continued. Nothing her mother said interested her. She'd gone out with Mickey, but he didn't stand a chance. Her heart was someone else's and it had been stripped from her as the TARDIS had disappeared.

Her life in tatters, Rose slid into depression. She hardly ate, hardy slept. Her mother often found her at the window – staring either up at the stars or down into the courtyard. Jackie would ease her daughter away with gentle words and silently curse the alien who'd left her in such a state. She'd never tell Rose, but Jackie was beginning to think that she'd been better off with him.

* * *

The Doctor trudged back to the TARDIS and it vanished from where it had been to appear miles and years away. Out of the view screen blazed a plasma storm. He grinned and turned round. To an empty room. The smile vanished.

An ache throbbed inside him. God but he missed Rose. It hurt him. He needed her.

He loved her.

The thought shook him. But on reflection, he knew it was true. He couldn't, he shouldn't. It was wrong. Yet it felt so right. He currently felt like he was missing half of himself and he needed her.

Okay so what? Maybe she ought to have been on this decision. The Doctor chewed at his thumb as he thought about this.

"Fuck it," he announced to the empty air. He was going back for her and the rules could go hang.

* * *

Jackie worked during the days, leaving Rose to her own devises.

One day it all got to much. Rose ached and she wanted it to stop, wanted to stop the hurting. She wandered through the flat and into the kitchen. Opening a cupboard she found a tub of paracetamol. Another cupboard revealed a bottle of vodka. Rose stared at the two things.

It was said to be painless, wasn't it?

Rose went back to her room. Pulling a sheet of writing paper out, she wrote to her mother. She felt a little guilty, but all she wanted now was to sleep. To sleep and never wake up. Never to feel the agony she felt right now.

She sat on the bed and downed tablet after tablet. The vodka made her throat burn and her eyes water. After half an hour, she began to feel tired. So very tired. She lay down and slid gently into sleep.

* * *

The TARDIS materialised in the alleyway by the tower block. The Doctor opened the door and looked out at the grey London sky. Sighing heavily, he trudged up the stairs, wondering why the lift in this place never worked. He arrived outside Jackie's flat and stopped. He didn't like Jackie. Jackie didn't like him. He walked up to the door, thought again and wandered off slightly. This was repeated several times before he bucked up enough courage to actually knock on the door.

Silence. He poked open the cat flap.

"Rose? Rose! Ah come on. I'm sorry. Rose!"

Silence.

"Okay, fine. Be like that," the Doctor muttered to himself. Shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans he started off. She could stay here and... and... He stopped. He didn't want her to stay here. He wanted her with him.

He went back to the door and hammered on it. "Rose! Open the bloody door!"

An uneasy feeling settled in his gut. He had no idea what caused it, but he always trusted a gut instinct. Something was wrong. He plucked the sonic out of his pocket and jimmied the lock. Edging through the doorway, he found the flat still and silence. His unease grew.

"Rose? Please. I'm sorry."

Nothing. He roamed into the kitchen. There was a cupboard left open but no other signs of life than that. He checked the bathroom. Empty. He paused outside Rose's bedroom. If she wasn't here and found him, she'd kill him. He knocked and got no reply. So, taking a deep breath, he turned the handle and opened the door.

She was lay on her back, fully dressed on the bed. The blond hair spilled over her pillow. The Doctor grinned at her still form, relieved at the sight of her.

"Rose?" he called out. She didn't move. Not a flicker. It was then he noticed the empty tub on her bedside table, the bottle of vodka on the floor.

"Fuck! Rose!" He dashed across the room, but his mind was already taking note of the things his hearts denied. She was too still. Her face was paler than he remembered, her lips were blue. Her chest didn't move.

And he knew. Knew before he stretched out a shaking hand to her neck and found no pulse beneath his fingers.

Rose was dead.


	3. Oh Let's Go Back To The Start

The Doctor stood, frozen in shock. Minutes ticked by unnoticed. What was the point of noticing? His hope lay dead. He touched Rose's still face, then found her hand. It was wrong – she didn't hold him back. He broke then, crumbling to the floor sobbing.

"Why?" he choked out. "Oh Rose, _why_?"

He clutched her limp hand. He cursed himself; this was his fault. He should have gone back for her sooner, hell he shouldn't have thrown her out in the first place. He loved her, and no evasion changed that fact.

After a while he got slowly to his feet. He paced the room, wondering what to do now. As he paced, his eyes caught sight of a piece of paper that say on her desk. He went over and picked it up.

"_Dear Mum, I'm so sorry for doing this. Please forgive me but I can't do this any more. It hurts too much and I just want it to stop. I love him and he's never coming back and it hurts Mum. I know how you felt when Dad died now, because it's that kind of love. Please don't hate him either; I'm just too different for him. I don't regret going, I had the time of my life. But now it's over and that's why I'm doing this. I'll be with Dad though and we'll wait for you together. Love, Rose_."

The Doctor stared at the words. Devastation flooded him at her heartbreak, her kindness that extended to him even in the grips of such grief. He looked from the note to Rose's body.

"You stupid little thing," he whispered, his voice breaking. "You weren't too different. I was just an idiot. Rose." He walked towards her. He stopped by the bed, taking her hand again. "I'm going to fix this," he told her. "I will not let you do this. I cannot let you die, not like this."

Bending over her, the Doctor brushed a kiss on her cool lips. Then he let go of her hand and walked away. It was a simple plan; go back an hour or so and stop her. It broke just about every rule there was, but he didn't care. She'd be angry with him, but he didn't care about that either. His one concern at the moment was to get her back, alive and well. Everything else he could work on.

* * *

The TARDIS door closed behind him and he moved in silent determination from control to control. The machine groaned into life.

"This once," he begged her softly. "Please, land right just this once. I cannot lose her."

Everything shifted slightly. He checked the time. It was an hour and forty minutes earlier. Was that enough? He hoped so because he couldn't face seeing her dead again right now. He exited the TARDIS and flew up the stairs.

"Rose!" he yelled, banding on the door. This time he heard a crash inside. The relief he felt when he realised she was still alive almost floored him. "Rose!"

"Piss off!"

The Doctor laughed through the tears that were falling. "Rose... Rose I'm sorry. Can we talk?"

"Go away!" She was crying; he could hear it in her voice. "Just go away and never come back."

"Rose please. Let me in. Please don't do anything stupid."

The Doctor nearly fell over as the door was opened suddenly. Her face was ravaged by pain and tears. But there she stood and he grabbed her, pulling her into a tight hug.

"Get off me you bastard," she hissed, thumping his back. "What d'you mean stupid? Why are you here?"

He stared down into her angry eyes. He pushed the hair out of her face. "You're not stupid," he said, his voice low. He glanced round. "Please let me in. I... we need to talk."

"Fine, whatever." Rose stepped away from him. She let him walk past her. "Don't make yourself comfortable. Just say your piece and then leave me the hell alone."

"No."

She spun round to face him, fury on her face. "No? What the fuck are you on?"

"Not vodka," he replied and watched her flinch and stare at him.

"How did you know?"

"Because I came back," he spat. "An hour and... thirty six minutes from now. Only I was too bloody late then."

Rose sat down. "You... I... Oh god."

"You were dead," he said. "Rose have you any idea what that was like? To walk in here and find you?"

"Do you have any idea what it's like for me day after day going through this hell?" she yelled at him. "I love you and what? I'm not right, am I? You left me, remember? Left me and waltzed off without me. You tore my life from me Doctor. What else is there for me?"

He bowed his head. Her pain at what he'd said and done mounting on top of his own grief at finding her dead. Dead because he was a coward and couldn't tell her... "I love you." He looked at her then. "I love you Rose and I'm sorry. So very sorry. I... forgive me. I know I don't deserve it but that's all I can ask.

Rose stood and walked to him slowly. She was still shocked that he'd been here before, that she'd actually gone through with her plan. The pain was so intense, still after all this time, she half hated him. "Say it again," she told him.

The Doctor looked at her and holding her eyes in a steady gaze, he let her see the truth, the pain in his own. "I love you."

She shook her head. "God you're impossible, you know that?" A smile found its way onto her face and she couldn't believe her reaction. "You've put me through agony."

He reached out and touched her cheek. This time it was warm under his fingers. The recollection swamped him and he broke down again. "Rose..."

They moved to each other as one, holding onto the other tightly. Rose felt the Doctor's shuddering sobs and cried herself. He'd broken rules to come back and save her. He loved her, he really did. The grief inside her shattered and eased, to be replaced by joy. She clutched him to her.

"I'm sorry, Doctor. Really I..."

She got no further because he was kissing her and then she was kissing him back. It was a hungry, desperate kiss and there was only one way this was going. The Doctor broke away and looked down at her. "Rose..." he shook his head, refusing to deny the need. "Here or the TARDIS?"

"God you're sure of yourself aren't you?" She pretended a frown, running a hand over his chest.

"Not really no," he admitted and she saw it in his eyes.

Rose smiled again. "Should be. I want you."

"I want you. I do love you Rose."

"Doctor?"

"Hmm?"

"Take me home."


End file.
